I close my eyes and hear her screaming and sobbing. She is in my room sound asleep, but her sadness rings in my ears as I try to drift off. I’m replaying her cries from earlier today in the car. Apparently I grind my teeth so bad at night now that they’re loose; the dentist was a bit concerned about that new habit when I showed up a few weeks back. Maybe that’s why one of my (many) reoccurring nightmares has been about all my teeth falling out?
Postpartum Depression and Anxiety (PPD and PPA) effects about 1 in 7 moms in the year after giving birth (postpartumdepression.org).
It commonly causes symptoms like
“ • Crying more often than usual.
Feelings of anger.
Withdrawing from loved ones.
Feeling numb or disconnected from your baby.
Worrying that you will hurt the baby.
Feeling guilty about not being a good mom or doubting your ability to care for the baby.” (cdc.gov)
This post is going to have testimonials from myself and other women who have experienced PPD and/or PPA. It can be different for every mom, but regardless of the symptoms it is a lonely and life changing period of time some women go through.
I just want to bring awareness about the disease, and I want to let mama’s know that if you feel this way there is help out there, and you can reach out to me anytime; I will gladly be a listening ear.
A whole other reason I decided to write about this topic is because writing is therapy to me, and it’s a way I can process my emotions. This is in no way an attempt for me to get a pity party, or asking for a wave of worried phone calls from loved ones. Blogging is just one of my healthy outlets where I can express myself.
My experience so far:
At first, I couldn’t sleep. Ever since night one in the hospital I was terrified to sleep when my daughter slept. I would panic:
“What if Amelia stops breathing?! SIDS is a real thing to worry about. What if she chokes on her spit up? What if she cries, and I’m asleep, and I don’t hear her? She’s so tiny and fragile, like a porcelain doll, anything could happen if I stop watching her.”
I got about a total of 5 hours of sleep the three days I was at the hospital. Then that pattern continued once we got back home. I couldn’t even let someone else watch her to nap. I’d go up to my bedroom for a two hour nap, but I’d just lay in bed shaking with such an intense amount of panic that I couldn’t relax even though I was exhausted.
I also developed these terrifying intrusive thoughts that did not feel like they were my own. Randomly, some terrifying scene would play in my head of me accidentally tripping down the stairs with Amelia, or dropping her, or her fragile little bones breaking in my hands. I would be fine and then they’d just take over my mind. You need to understand, I would never dream of hurting her, and I never had the urge to either. They were just the most unwanted images that would come into my mind.
Five months later, and I thank the Lord I sleep now (and those intrusive thoughts are so rare too), but my PPD and PPA still has a hold on me in new forms.
Car rides are a nightmare for both Amelia and I; we‘re both panicked… she screams and cries the whole time, and when she cries and I cannot comfort her, I end up crying and panicking too.
So we don’t get out much.
Leaving her with someone else is almost as stressful as taking her with me. I’m worried how long I’ll really get a break for because Amelia just doesn’t take a bottle. I feel rushed to get whatever I have to get done, so this usually only happens when I have an appointment. Forget self care and taking a 30 minute Starbucks excusion- no way! I’d feel too guilty!
And while I do sleep now, I have reoccurring nightmares (about various topics), and as I mentioned above my teeth are getting the brunt of my stress.
so that’s the anxiety portion for me…
The depression has come in a way where it was harder for me to recognize and admit. I was very weepy my first month or so, but then I didn’t cry as much. For some reason I just assumed depression meant crying a lot and feeling hopeless. I did feel hopeless at first, but then days got better; I felt happiness and joy! I couldn’t have depression: no way!
I felt happiness and joy from Amelia. That’s it. Everything else was numb or just plain old irritating. I hate to say this, I feel like a failure of a wife, but my husband, Jonathan, has gotten the brunt of my numb irritation, unfortunately.
I have become closed off, I don’t open up about my emotions, I am snappy and just rude. I get annoyed by things that shouldn’t bother me. Hugs? They’re uncomfortable for some strange reason.
The lonliness and isolation may be the hardest part. I know in my mind that I am NOT alone; God is with me through every step of my day, my husband tries nonstop to make my days easier, and I have plenty of family and friends who would come help me with just a phone call or text. Even with knowing I have support, the feeling of being alone really gets to me most days. Maybe it’s because I’m adjusting to being a stay at home mom, but that doesn‘t make total sense because I’ve always been a happy introvert.
I feel off. To say the least. I know this isn’t me. I feel like these emotions aren’t mine. I hate feeling angry by every little thing, and I hate that relaxing is impossible for me right now.
I’ve tried three medications; between side effects and just not relieving my anxiety/depression, they have all proven unhelpful. I am trying to find a therapist, and I am thankful my husband is a wonderful, caring, and concerned support person. I am much better than I was day one of this whole trial, but I am also still most definitely not myself anymore. I sure am trying to find my way back. I have faith that God will get me through this; I sure can’t do it by myself.
Laura Heflin’s journey:
I have mentioned Laura in posts before, but she is a local author and blogger who has shared her postpartum journey and healthy tips in her two books: Mama You Still Matter and Live Healthy With Laura.
She also struggled with postpartum anxiety herself in 2014 after having her daughter. She described it as having “intense anxiety” even when nothing was “wrong” coming home from the hospital. Something “that should have been one of the best times of [her] life ended up being one of the hardest times of [her] life.” She described it as no longer feeling like herself, and I couldn’t relate more about feeling “off” when reading her blog post on her experience.
She had a panic attack episode that was so intense, that she ended up in the ER thinking she had experienced a heart attack. This was prompted out of nowhere after having lunch with a friend. Sometimes there are no triggers; your body just panics. On the other hand, there are a lot of triggers too. Laura was so worried about her daughter’s health that even the smallest bump or bruise made her scared that it could have been something so much worse. Dr. Google is not a friend when mama’s have medical fears.
Laura attests to having “a strong prayer life and faith in God,” and a wonderful support system, too. Even when we have a blessed life, anxiety can still slip its way in. It is a mental disease. People need help with it just as much as someone with a broken bone needs a doctor.
Now in 2021, Laura has overcome her PPD/PPA, and she has a ton of coping methods and tips on how to battle anxiety as well. If you are a mom struggling with any of these things I have mentioned above, I encourage you to read her book and check out her blog! https://www.livehealthywithlaura.com/post/my-struggle-with-postpartum-anxiety-and-how-i-cope
Jennifer Warren’s journey:
Jennifer is a mom of six, and she experienced postpartum depression after her fourth child was born. She also had to deal with a loss of a baby through miscarriage. When I asked her to share how PPD/PPA affected her, this was her story:
“I had PPD about 6 months before the miscarriage. My first son (fourth child) was born in May of that year, and at three months old he developed extreme eczema. His body was raw and itchy all over, and it took us almost five months to get it under control. During that time he was not able to stay asleep more than about an hour each night before the itching would wake him. I was not sleeping well either of course, because we were still exclusively breastfeeding. My extreme exhaustion gave way to depression. I felt hopeless-there was nothing I could do that was helping him, and I could not see an end in sight. I felt utterly alone- my husband sleeps soundly and struggles to become conscious in the middle of the night, so waking him to help was not usually worth the trouble. I had three other small children (6 and under) who I was homeschooling, but I did not care anymore if they did school. They mostly played outside when the weather was good. I did not feel like I could survive, but I did not see an alternative besides moving through each day. It felt like trudging through mud and rain. I loved my baby, but I didn't have the energy to care anymore. We were supposed to go as a family to work at a camp, and I remember sitting on the bed in our bedroom and crying to my husband that I could not even pack... I just wanted to stay in our room and hide for a LONG time - maybe forever.”
Loneliness is a very common feeling when struggling with PPD/PPA. Just like in Laura’s situation (and mine too), even with a great support system it is still easy to feel completely isolated.
Jennifer also overcame PPD, and she wants people to know she’s more than willing to listen if they are experiencing a miscarriage or PPD themselves.
No matter how hard PPD/PPA is in the moment, there is help out there; therapy, medication, online support groups, church groups, and finding people who love and care about you are all steps to getting better. I’ve learned that expressing what I feel and not holding it inside as my burden to bear alone makes a world of a difference.
I’m planning to upload an updated post on my journey one day soon: because I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel! Each day I can already tell things are getting better; there’s already a vast difference between how I am now and how I was day one!
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